Today I woke up guilty. This happens pretty much every day. I go to sleep feeling guilty and wake up feeling guilty. I've always been kind of a perfectionist, trying so hard to do my very best with everything, but it's gotten so much worse since I became sick a few years ago. You see, when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I did everything perfect. I took my vitamins, ate healthy, read every single pregnancy and parenting book, did everything I could think of that was "just right".
Seven or eight years later, I had 3 beautiful blessings and I worked SO HARD at being a good mommy and I really felt like I was doing a pretty good job with my kids.
Then I got sick. I was admitted into the hospital away from my children and so began my journey with fibromyalgia and the other diseases that happened in the big whirlwind. I was devastated. How was I going to be the best mommy in the world if I couldn't even walk ? And so began the vicious cycle of mommy guilt- amplified times a million.
We all get mommy guilt. Am I doing a good job ? So and so's kid is already reading... etc etc etc. But when you are sick, it feels like we have to prove things even more. Yes we are trying our very best, but it still feels like no matter what we do, it's not enough. Do you ever feel like you have to prove you are even sick ? Some people have said to me, you aren't really sick, you just need to exercise, or you just need to try this product, or you are just fat and lazy. Yup it hurts. Then there is the whole doctor issue where you get a doctor who doesn't "believe" in fibro etc and so they think it's all in your head. So you are constantly feeling like you either have to prove that you are really sick, or you spend your entire life trying hard to prove you are normal. Add on guilt to that. Guilt that you can't get up and run every morning. Guilt that you aren't making homemade vegan meals for your children. Guilt that your house isn't museum quality clean. Guilt that you haven't had a shower in days because it hurts to much. Then there is the guilt that racks your brain at night and keeps you awake - guilt about being sick. I'm sorry I'm sick. I didn't mean to get this. I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to make our life like this. You feel that you are a burden, you feel like everything in the world is your fault. Guilt. It's a pain. And it can become a physical pain because guilt can throw you into a flare. Then you feel even more guilty! What are we supposed to do ?
Today I slept quite a bit. It has been one of the hardest months of my life and I'm trying to catch up on some rest. I have totally not slept hardly at all in over a month. It has made me so sick. So today I said to myself, " self, you have to get some rest, or you are going to collapse and truly be worth nothing". Yup I talk to myself sometimes haha!!! I, of course, felt guilty! My kids were just fine, they were happy to rest today and read and watch movies and play games etc. Mommy slept. Mommy slept so hard. I was a mess from no sleep. All I could think of was, I'm going to get so sick I will be in the hospital and then I'm no help at all. I won't be able to even talk to my kids whenever I want. I'll be in the hospital. So I slept. Then tonight was my daughters birthday present of a trial class at the local gymnastics gym. She has been looking forward to this for months. I have been looking forward to it for her! She loves gymnastics and has always wanted to take lessons. All I had to do was drive her there and then sit and wait. I would get to rest and sit and watch her do something she has wanted to do forever. I was exhausted and sick. I pulled myself out of bed, thinking, how much will she hate me if I say can we do this another night ? Then she came running in , with her little leotard on, and said mom can you put my hair into a gymnast bun ? You bet I will. Somewhere, this inner strength comes out and you are able to do things you think would never be able to do. So I drove my daughter to her class. The heat was sweltering and the humidity was so high that I felt I was swimming while I walked. My hair did this awesome curly Q thing when I tried to pull it into a bun off my neck....
Awesome huh ?! Look how exhausted I am! I look like I haven't slept in months.... well I haven't! But there I was trying my best to be a good mommy. Look at this girl! She was amazing and she loved it!
We are fighters. We are strong. Don't let the guilt consume you. What are some things you do to try and deal with guilt ? How do you make yourself feel better ? Thoughts ??????
Love, JL~ aka~ Fibromomma
Aren't they absolutely precious in this pic ??
We all get mommy guilt. Am I doing a good job ? So and so's kid is already reading... etc etc etc. But when you are sick, it feels like we have to prove things even more. Yes we are trying our very best, but it still feels like no matter what we do, it's not enough. Do you ever feel like you have to prove you are even sick ? Some people have said to me, you aren't really sick, you just need to exercise, or you just need to try this product, or you are just fat and lazy. Yup it hurts. Then there is the whole doctor issue where you get a doctor who doesn't "believe" in fibro etc and so they think it's all in your head. So you are constantly feeling like you either have to prove that you are really sick, or you spend your entire life trying hard to prove you are normal. Add on guilt to that. Guilt that you can't get up and run every morning. Guilt that you aren't making homemade vegan meals for your children. Guilt that your house isn't museum quality clean. Guilt that you haven't had a shower in days because it hurts to much. Then there is the guilt that racks your brain at night and keeps you awake - guilt about being sick. I'm sorry I'm sick. I didn't mean to get this. I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to make our life like this. You feel that you are a burden, you feel like everything in the world is your fault. Guilt. It's a pain. And it can become a physical pain because guilt can throw you into a flare. Then you feel even more guilty! What are we supposed to do ?
Today I slept quite a bit. It has been one of the hardest months of my life and I'm trying to catch up on some rest. I have totally not slept hardly at all in over a month. It has made me so sick. So today I said to myself, " self, you have to get some rest, or you are going to collapse and truly be worth nothing". Yup I talk to myself sometimes haha!!! I, of course, felt guilty! My kids were just fine, they were happy to rest today and read and watch movies and play games etc. Mommy slept. Mommy slept so hard. I was a mess from no sleep. All I could think of was, I'm going to get so sick I will be in the hospital and then I'm no help at all. I won't be able to even talk to my kids whenever I want. I'll be in the hospital. So I slept. Then tonight was my daughters birthday present of a trial class at the local gymnastics gym. She has been looking forward to this for months. I have been looking forward to it for her! She loves gymnastics and has always wanted to take lessons. All I had to do was drive her there and then sit and wait. I would get to rest and sit and watch her do something she has wanted to do forever. I was exhausted and sick. I pulled myself out of bed, thinking, how much will she hate me if I say can we do this another night ? Then she came running in , with her little leotard on, and said mom can you put my hair into a gymnast bun ? You bet I will. Somewhere, this inner strength comes out and you are able to do things you think would never be able to do. So I drove my daughter to her class. The heat was sweltering and the humidity was so high that I felt I was swimming while I walked. My hair did this awesome curly Q thing when I tried to pull it into a bun off my neck....
Go Syd!!! woohoo!!!
Guilt..... I could've stayed in bed with guilt because I felt so sick. Instead my daughter came in and I felt that incredible strength that comes from someone who has to fight hard, all day long, We have to fight! But, gosh darn it, we are strong! Why do we let guilt consume us ? Look at what we do! We have to work so hard just to do things that are nothing, so simple, to regular people. We are strong! We are warriors! We endure. We endure the worst pain and fatigue.Love, JL~ aka~ Fibromomma
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