Guilt

Today I woke up guilty. This happens pretty much every day. I go to sleep feeling guilty and wake up feeling guilty. I've always been kind of a perfectionist, trying so hard to do my very best with everything, but it's gotten so much worse since I became sick a few years ago. You see, when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I did everything perfect. I took my vitamins, ate healthy, read every single pregnancy and parenting book, did everything I could think of that was "just right". 

Seven or eight years later, I had 3 beautiful blessings and I worked SO HARD at being a good mommy and I really felt like I was doing a pretty good job with my kids.

Aren't they absolutely precious in this pic ?? 

Then I got sick. I was admitted into the hospital away from my children and so began my journey with fibromyalgia and the other diseases that happened in the big whirlwind. I was devastated. How was I going to be the best mommy in the world if I couldn't even walk ? And so began the vicious cycle of mommy guilt- amplified times a million.

We all get mommy guilt. Am I doing a good job ? So and so's kid is already reading... etc etc etc. But when you are sick, it feels like we have to prove things even more. Yes we are trying our very best, but it still feels like no matter what we do, it's not enough. Do you ever feel like you have to prove you are even sick ? Some people have said to me, you aren't really sick, you just need to exercise, or you just need to try this product, or you are just fat and lazy. Yup it hurts. Then there is the whole doctor issue where you get a doctor who doesn't "believe" in fibro etc and so they think it's all in your head. So you are constantly feeling like you either have to prove that you are really sick, or you spend your entire life trying hard to prove you are normal. Add on guilt to that. Guilt that you can't get up and run every morning. Guilt that you aren't making homemade vegan meals for your children. Guilt that your house isn't museum quality clean. Guilt that you haven't had a shower in days because it hurts to much. Then there is the guilt that racks your brain at night and keeps you awake - guilt about being sick. I'm sorry I'm sick. I didn't mean to get this. I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to make our life like this. You feel that you are a burden, you feel like everything in the world is your fault. Guilt. It's a pain. And it can become a physical pain because guilt can throw you into a flare. Then you feel even more guilty! What are we supposed to do ?

Today I slept quite a bit. It has been one of the hardest months of my life and I'm trying to catch up on some rest. I have totally not slept hardly at all in over a month. It has made me so sick. So today I said to myself,  " self, you have to get some rest, or you are going to collapse and truly be worth nothing". Yup I talk to myself sometimes haha!!! I, of course, felt guilty! My kids were just fine, they were happy to rest today and read and watch movies and play games etc. Mommy slept. Mommy slept so hard. I was a mess from no sleep. All I could think of was, I'm going to get so sick I will be in the hospital and then I'm no help at all. I won't be able to even talk to my kids whenever I want. I'll be in the hospital. So I slept. Then tonight was my daughters birthday present of a trial class at the local gymnastics gym. She has been looking forward to this for months. I have been looking forward to it for her! She loves gymnastics and has always wanted to take lessons. All I had to do was drive her there and then sit and wait. I would get to rest and sit and watch her do something she has wanted to do forever. I was exhausted and sick. I pulled myself out of bed, thinking, how much will she hate me if I say can we do this another night ? Then she came running in , with her little leotard on, and said mom can you put my hair into a gymnast bun ? You bet I will. Somewhere, this inner strength comes out and you are able to do things you think would never be able to do. So I drove my daughter to her class. The heat was sweltering and the humidity was so high that I felt I was swimming while I walked. My hair did this awesome curly Q thing when I tried to pull it into a bun off my neck....

Awesome huh ?! Look how exhausted I am! I look like I haven't slept in months.... well I haven't! But there I was trying my best to be a good mommy. Look at this girl! She was amazing and she loved it!

Go Syd!!! woohoo!!!

Guilt..... I could've stayed in bed with guilt because I felt so sick. Instead my daughter came in and I felt that incredible strength that comes from someone who has to fight hard, all day long, We have to fight! But, gosh darn it, we are strong! Why do we let guilt consume us ? Look at what we do! We have to work so hard just to do things that are nothing, so simple, to regular people. We are strong! We are warriors! We endure. We endure the worst pain and fatigue.

We are fighters. We are strong. Don't let the guilt consume you. What are some things you do to try and deal with guilt ? How do you make yourself feel better ? Thoughts ??????
Love, JL~ aka~ Fibromomma

Choices

Today was a special day. First of all, it was sunny outside! It has seriously rained for over a week here in America's Hometown and between the pain from rain and storms and just the gloominess of it all, I was so incredibly thankful to see sunshine! In fact I even wrote about it as my facebook post of the day, I've been trying to post something inspiring or happy each day. Today I posted this :

I wrote that the sunshine was out and it made me happy! Yellow is my favorite color. It is a bright, happy color that reminds me of sunshine. :)

Another reason why today was special , is because my sister and my precious niece were here visiting from sunny California! Lucky ducks, it is sunny all the time there! ;) Today we had planned to go downtown here in my cute tourist town, and take pictures of the grandkids together for my mom and dad ( and for us of course. ) Well, I knew that I would have to plan this out carefully. It would require a lot of walking, and it was about 500 degrees out. This is something that people who don't deal with chronic illness don't think about . We have to plan. We have to make choices. Today I had to plan out when to take my medicine, when to rest, etc so that I would have the strength to walk downtown with my children and my niece. I rested for about an hour beforehand and then about half an hour before we left I took my pain medicine. I knew that by the time we got downtown it should start kicking in and that I had a small, about 3 hour, time limit , where I would be able to walk. I also knew that I had to start heading back home at a specific time or I would be sick and stranded with my kids, unable to drive.

These are some of the choices that I want to talk about today in this post. I've been thinking about it lately. We have to choose over and over, do we have fun and live life, or do we be careful and try our best to avoid pain ? It's a horrid choice. Do I take a shower today and then be exhausted and in pain for the rest of the day, or do I just stink ? Maybe if I washed up a bit in the sink and then dry shampooed my hair, I could get away with waiting one more day ? Do I go and play with my niece this afternoon and then pay for it for the next 48 hours ( by not being able to move and being stuck in bed and in terrible pain?) or do I just stay home and rest and do " safe" things ? Do I take my pain medicine now before the pain gets unbearable and risk getting addicted or worse, called a druggy, or do I try to tough it out and then pay for it terribly ? Do I go to this doctor or this doctor ? Do I believe in this doctor or should I try to get a second opinion ?  Life is  full of choices for any person. But when you are " sick" it just seems overwhelming. So I guess my question is this.... do you choose to live life and have fun and then deal with the pain..... or do you choose to be safe ?

Love, JL~

UPDATE : Here's what happens when I choose to be "normal" for a day..... and who the heck am I kidding... it happens whenever it wants to even if I'm just laying around all day.

Why I've Been Missing In Action

First of all, I want you all to know that I believe this quote to be true. I try so hard to make sure that each day I find things to be thankful for. Things that are good. Things that are beautiful and things that are blessings. Life has been really hard lately, and I haven't been able to blog. I have a few vlogs also from christmas time even. Things went down hill after that. I got pneumonia. Then I went into a huge flare. Then I was hit by lightening... in the form of a rare disease called Trigeminal Neuralgia. Life has been very difficult. They call it the suicide disease for a reason. I truly felt that so much of life had been taken from me when I had the injection in my back that went wrong and i got severe nerve damage etc and then developed the fibromyalgia. Then the 'TN' happened and I realized that I had no idea what I really had. I still had hope before the TN. Now I'm trying to figure out what my purpose is now. I know that I'm supposed to raise my beautiful children. Now I just have to figure out how. I know I will figure it out :) For now that is good enough. I am going to try and go back and upload the vlogs from Christmas. They are a true , honest view of what Fibromyalgia does to a person. I wish I had videos of what I was like before the fibro hit. Basically last night my hubby told me that he misses me. He misses the energetic, hyper, fun and happy girl. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm a tired in pain woman who desperately is trying to find a reason for life. But my family will always be the good in every day . ALWAYS. So there is always something to keep living for. Love, JL~

 The good in every day for me. My gorgeous helpful, kind, loving children. How blessed I am. What is the good in your day ????? tweet me : @fibrojl 

Chronic Illness Tag Part 2 Fibro Momma

http://youtu.be/aONU8-fMSwg

Ok, part two is up! Let me know what you think! This was my first vlog ever.... I'm getting a bit better at it as I practice I think... Still have lot's more to load up :)

New Years Resolution - Vitamins!

 (photo credit to healingwithoil.com)


Well it's now officially 2015. Happy New Year to you all! I love to make new years resolutions! My first one this year is to take my vitamins every day. I take so much prescription meds and also b12 and potassium and vitamin d thru rx... but I really desperately needed to start taking major awesome vitamins, so I looked into DoTerra's Life Long Vitality vitamins/supplements. They come in a pack.. you get all three bottles, and yes theyre a bit pricey... but when you see everything they have in them... wow, it is so worth it! If I tried to buy each of these individual vitamins, it would be so ridiculously expensive. I can't even imagine! So... I bought my first pack of LLV. So far, I am super impressed because the very first good thing that happened, was that I pooped! HAHAHA!!! With being on constant pain medicine etc, you get so constipated and you can't poop. Yup. I said it. People need to be more honest! LOL! That is something you will learn about me... nothing embarrasses me and I can talk about medical stuff, poop, puke, surgeries, blood, nothing phases me.. I love to talk about it haha! :) So anyway, the first great benefit, was that I was actually pooping each day. That was amazing. Nice comfy poop too, not diarrhea which some vitamins can cause that. These vitamins have an actual "tummy tamer" blend in each pill. It helps to digest enzymes and makes sure you don't get a big ole tummy ache from the vitamins ( another thing I struggle with, so this was awesome!) I took the vitamins and my stomach didn't hurt. One time I tried to just take magnesium... I took one pill from the OTC bottle I purchased, and within half an hour I was on the floor doubled over in pain. I called my doctor and he said that my body does not digest vitamins very well.. hmm... obviously! So we started a prescription vitamin regimen of potassium, vitamin D and B12 which were just a few of the things I was so deficient in. They are enteric coated so they didn't hurt my tummy as bad.

But with LifeLong Vitality vitamins, I get a buttload of vitamins, minerals, whole foods etc.... with no tummy ache.

The next big benefit I have seen personally, with just taking 15 days worth so far... my bloodwork has come back fantastic. I stopped taking the prescription vitamins, I wanted to just do the LLV. I wanted a good idea of what would happen if I were able to stop the rx vitamins and just use the LLV. Well, my labwork came back and my dr said whatever I was doing... keep doing it! He was completely surprised.. because even with rx doses of certain vitamins, I was still deficient in them and it was causing a lot of awful things to happen to my body. So these vitamins are doing something that prescription vitamins couldn't do! I really thing it is because they are so gentle and pure and natural. They are awesome!

Here are some benefits that LLV hopes will happen when you take these vitamins, of course we can't promise that every single thing is going to happen with each person... but if it does that's awesome!

Benefits :
* Cellular Longevity/ Lifespan
* Cellular Inflammatory Response
* Cellular Energy/ Metabolism
*Powerful DNA Protection
*Network Antioxidant Defense
* Immune System Support
* Stress Management
* Cardiovascular Health
* Bone and Joint Health
*Brain/Cognitive Health
* Digestive Health

Here are some ingredient highlights!
* Powerful cellular longevity blend of Baicalin, Boswellic Acids, Silymarin, Resveratrol, Curcumin, and Proanthocyanidins
* Potent levels of metabolic factors of cellular energy and performance:
Coenzyme Q10, Quercetin, Acetyl-L-Carnitine, Alpha-Lipoic Acid and Ginkgo Biloba
*Certified Pure Therapuetic Grade Essential oil blend of Clove, Frankincense, thyme, Cumin, Wild Orange, Peppermint, Ginger, Caraway, and German Chamomile
* Proprietary omega fatty acid blend of Marine LIpids, Flax Seed, Borage Seed, Cranberry Seed, and Pomegranate Seed oils delivered via a Nansomal Lipid Assimilation System in a vegetarian soft gel.
* Balanced blend of whole food vitamins presented in a patented glycoprotein matrix and minerals delivered via two pathways for maximum absorption
* Additional carotenoid antioxidant protection from Lutein, Lycopene, Natural Alpha and Beta Carotene, Astaxanthin, and now with Zeaxanthin
*DoTerra's Tummy Tamer Digestive blend of herbs and digestive enzymes and a new source of trace minerals.

Either way, it is good stuff to have in your body. You can purchase it thru www.mydoterra.com/kaylor
I don't care if you get thru me or thru another consultant etc.... but they are so worth it! Just try it for a month! You have nothing to lose because DoTerra offers a " Just 30 days to change your life-GUARANTEED! Purchase DoTerra's LLV pack via the Loyalty Rewards Program , use for 30 days, and if you are not satisfied with your increased vitality and energy, return your product for full refund! See, nothing to lose! :)

Chronic illness tag part 1 fibro momma my first vlog!

Here it is! My first ever vlog! I look awful and I don't know what I'm doing but hopefully I will get better! :)